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Loss

We are experts and are passionate about our work. You can count on our care, calmness and enthusiasm.

However much we would like to, unfortunately not all pregnancies result in the birth of a healthy baby. Sooner or later, you may experience a pregnancy loss for various reasons. This is an intensely sad event that can have a profound impact, regardless of how far along the pregnancy was. If this happens to you, we as midwives are here for you; it is particularly important to receive proper support at this time.

Miscarriage

One in ten pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. A miscarriage is usually caused by a genetic defect, meaning the foetus stops growing. It is rarely caused by a genetic problem. Physical exertion is also not the cause of a miscarriage. For example, sexual intercourse, falling, horse riding, cycling, motorcycling or playing sport cannot cause a miscarriage.

The risk of miscarriage increases as you get older. Among pregnant women up to the age of 40, 1 in 10 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. If you are 40 or older, you will have a miscarriage in 1 in 5 pregnancies. 

You cannot prevent a miscarriage. Not with bed rest, nor with medication. So there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. If you have had a miscarriage, the risk of a miscarriage in a subsequent pregnancy is not higher.

During a miscarriage, the body expels the foetus, which feels like a heavy period. It is a natural process, but for many women it is a deeply affecting experience. Therefore, please always contact us if you experience any bleeding. We can use an ultrasound scan to determine the source of the bleeding and whether your pregnancy is still intact. In the event of a miscarriage, we would be happy to support you. We will explain when you should call us and also provide you with written information about the course of a miscarriage and how you can come to terms with it.

If you have two miscarriages in a row, there is the option of further investigation into the cause, for example through chromosome testing for you and your partner. We will discuss the options with you and refer you to the hospital.

Support organisations

Emotional recovery

The loss of your child, whether early or late in the pregnancy, has a greater impact than you can possibly imagine beforehand. This applies to both of you. Your future has changed in an instant and the loss puts an end to all your plans and dreams for this baby. Many women go through a difficult time after the loss of their early pregnancy. A miscarriage often has a greater impact than you might initially realise. This applies to women and their partners. It means that your future is suddenly different from what you expected. The loss of your early pregnancy brings an abrupt end to all your plans and dreams for this baby, and that is painful. You may wonder why things went wrong. It may be a comfort to know that the pregnancy was usually not viable from the start. That the miscarriage was therefore a natural and logical consequence. But alongside this factual explanation, you may think that you could have done something or avoided something to prevent the miscarriage. However understandable it may be, feelings of guilt are unwarranted. It is good to know that everyone experiences a miscarriage differently and deals with it in their own way. Give yourself the time you need; there is no set timeline for when the grief will subside.

  • Take your feelings seriously. Everything is allowed: grief, loss, guilt, disbelief, anger, a sense of emptiness. You might also feel a sense of acceptance or even relief. That’s possible; nothing is strange. 
  • Talk about it. Perhaps with a friend, your partner, your sister or a neighbour. Or with parents who have been through the same thing. Of course, you’re also welcome to come and see us!
  • Bear in mind that your partner is likely to experience and process the miscarriage differently from you. It’s valuable if you can talk about it, with each other and with others. 
  • Do whatever feels right for you. When the time is right for you. Place a beautiful figurine in your cupboard. Plant a tree in your garden. Choose a piece of jewellery as a memento. Write a letter to your unborn child. Light a candle regularly. Or do something completely different, but choose what suits you, what suits both of you. 
  • Read up on it. There are private groups on Facebook where you can write about your experience. 
  • Tell your living child(ren) about it. There are, for example, lovely picture books to read with young children. We have a book like that at the practice that you can borrow. 

And if you find that your energy isn’t returning? Or that you just keep worrying? Then seek help to come to terms with your miscarriage. This is not something to be taken lightly. Find support that suits you. We also offer this support at the practice. Judith van Reedt Dortland is a certified miscarriage coach and can guide you through this process.

Books

  • When you lose your baby during pregnancy. Author: Miriam van Kreij
  • Empty-handed. Authors: M. Cuisinier, H. Janssen
  • What if your pregnancy goes wrong. Author: A. van der Meer
  • Between something and nothing: coping with the loss of an early pregnancy. Authors: B. Spitz, M. Keirse
  • When your baby dies. Author: M. Cuisinier

Support after loss from your own midwife

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for additional support

Sometimes, in addition to the support provided by your midwife during a miscarriage, more is needed. In that case, too, you’ve come to the right place. Judith van Reedt Dortland is not only a midwife but also a miscarriage coach and can support you in integrating the loss into your life and daring to look to the future with confidence once again.

Do you feel as though you’ve come to a standstill? Do you feel guilty towards your partner because you sit on the sofa crying every evening? Do you feel guilty towards your other children because you can’t give them your full attention after going through your miscarriage? Do you feel you can no longer enjoy them as you once did? It leaves you feeling numb; it prevents your heart from flowing freely. Do you recognise yourself in this? Know that things can be different. Acknowledge your loss and tell your living children about the baby who was with you for such a short time. Your grief and sense of loss are valid. Share it with the people around you who are dear to you; talk to your partner – for them, too, the future has suddenly fallen apart. Do you feel that more is needed? With a few steps, I can help you weave your loss into your daily life. This way, you can once again approach your relationship and/or family full of energy and feel that your heart can flow freely again and fill with love. You’ll face the future again with greater freedom and confidence. Make time for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy life once more. Would you like to know more about how I can help you? Email me and I’ll get in touch; the first consultation is always free.

Judith@verloskundigenwesterkade.nl

This form of support is not covered by standard midwifery care. A fee will be charged for this service. 

How others have experienced this support

Miriam’s experience

The miscarriage came unexpectedly and was very hard for me, both physically and emotionally. I was more irritable and dealt with the loss differently to my partner. It put an unfamiliar strain on our relationship and made me feel alone in my grief at times. I had no idea how to cope with such a loss. How can you grieve for something that was only there for such a short time? And how can you feel like you’re facing it together when your partner deals with loss in a different way?

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from the coaching. I worked through the loss in various stages, and these gave me new insights I hadn’t anticipated beforehand. I found that very valuable. After the coaching with Judith, I feel more able to look ahead again and I don’t get stuck in the same thoughts all the time. I was also better able to talk to my partner about the sense of loss I was feeling and the impact it was having on me. I’ve noticed that simply reflecting on it together is already doing me a world of good.

‘Of course, you’re confronted with it in daily life, but it doesn’t take me by surprise like it used to’.

Recently, I coached a mother who was unsure whether it was a good idea to tell her toddler about the miscarriage. After my coaching, this mother said the following:

‘I was looking for a way to give my little girl the time and attention she deserved whilst my thoughts were still very much preoccupied with the miscarriage. I read the book “The Frog and the Little Bird” with my daughter, which is about death. My daughter isn’t even two years old yet and, of course, doesn’t really understand any of it. I explained to her that I had also lost the baby in my tummy and that I was very sad, but that my daughter didn’t need to look after me. Just being able to say this out loud helped.’

‘I’m enjoying trips to the playground again and am no longer overwhelmed by sadness’.

Stillbirth

A stillbirth is one of the most traumatic events a parent can experience. When your baby dies before, during or shortly after birth, you are faced with a great deal. Whilst your body recovers from the birth, an intense grieving process also begins. Love for your child and grief often coexist at this time.

Even after a stillbirth, the birth process continues. Although this is a difficult time, many parents find it meaningful to meet their baby, hold them and create memories. Think of photos, hand and foot prints, or a personal farewell. We, as midwives, and the gynaecologist will support you through this and discuss what best suits your wishes.

After the birth, every parent experiences the loss in their own way. How you grieve does not depend on the length of the pregnancy or the circumstances surrounding the death. There is no right or wrong way to process grief, and there is no set timeframe for recovery. Partners may also cope with the loss in different ways. Whilst one may need to talk, the other may seek distraction or focus on practical matters. These differences are normal following such a profound loss.

In addition to their grief, parents also have to deal with practical decisions regarding saying goodbye. The options available depend, among other things, on the length of the pregnancy.

Loss before 24 weeks

In the event of a loss before 24 weeks of pregnancy, there is no legal obligation to register the birth or death. Parents are free to choose how they wish to say goodbye. Many hospitals and funeral directors can offer support with this. It is often possible to have the baby buried or cremated individually.

If you wish to take your baby home, you can choose to keep your baby with you in a cot or basket. Sometimes a funeral director can provide refrigeration, so you can spend a little longer together at home. You might also consider the water method in the event of a pregnancy loss before 16 weeks. Even without refrigeration, there is often scope to keep your baby with you for a while longer. Many parents use this time to create memories, such as photos, hand and foot prints, or dressing the baby in clothes or a blanket that feels special. How long you can and want to keep your baby is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong, only what feels right for you at this moment.

Loss from 24 weeks onwards

If a baby is stillborn after 24 weeks of pregnancy, a declaration must be made to the local authority where the baby was born. The local authority will issue a stillbirth certificate, which officially records the baby’s existence.

A baby born stillborn after 24 weeks of pregnancy may be buried or cremated. The local authority will grant permission for this once the necessary documents have been processed. Under the Burial Act, a burial or cremation usually takes place no earlier than 36 hours after death and no later than six working days. From 24 weeks onwards, there are legal regulations regarding registration and saying goodbye, but there are still many ways to be together in your own way. You can use a special cooling cot (cuddle cot), in hospital or sometimes at home, allowing you to keep your baby with you for longer. It is also often possible to take your baby home or to have the baby delivered at home with the help of a funeral director. Some parents choose to have their baby brought home first and to say goodbye there in peace and quiet. Others prefer to visit their baby at a funeral home.

Parents can also have a stillborn baby registered in the Personal Records Database (BRP). This is possible even if the loss occurred before 24 weeks of pregnancy or took place some time ago. This registration is voluntary and has no legal consequences, but can be of great emotional significance to parents.

You do not have to go through this alone. In addition to support from your midwife, there are organisations that offer information, guidance and contact with others who have been through similar experiences, such as Stichting Still, Make a Memory, and the Association of Parents of a Deceased Child (VOKK).

Support organisations

A stillbirth leaves a lasting impact. That is why there needs to be space for grief, memories and your child’s story. As a midwifery practice, we stand by your side, focusing on both medical support and care for you as parents.