Van Kiem naar kind
Inhoudsopgave

Loss

Regardless of how much we want it to, not all pregnancies result in the birth of a healthy baby. Sooner or later, you may lose your pregnancy for various reasons. This is an intensely sad event that can have a major impact regardless of how far along you are. If you have experienced a miscarriage please know that we as midwives are here for you and can provide the support and guidance you need, especially now.

Miscarriage

1 in 10 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. A miscarriage is usually caused by the embryo not attaching properly and is prevented from growing any further. Miscarriages are rarely a hereditary problem. Also physical exertion such as intercourse, making love, falls, horseback riding, riding a bicycle or motorbike or sports cannot cause a miscarriage.

The risk of miscarriage increases with age. Of women aged up to 40, 1 in 10 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Aged 40 or above, chances increase to 1 in 5 pregnancies.

You cannot prevent a miscarriage. Not with bed rest or medication. So you cannot do anything about it. If you have had a miscarriage before, the chance of a subsequent miscarriage is no higher.

During a miscarriage, the body rejects the foetus, which feels like a heavy period. It is a natural process, but a major event for many women. Therefore, always contact us in case of blood loss. We can perform an ultrasound to see what is causing the blood loss and whether your pregnancy is still intact. In the event of a miscarriage, we would like to support you. We will explain when to call us and also provide you with written information about the process of a miscarriage and how to integrate this experience into your daily life.

If you have miscarried twice in a row, you have the option of further examination into a possible cause. For example running a chromosomal diagnostic test on yourself and your partner. We will discuss options with you and arrange a referral to hospital.

Emotional recovery

Whether you’ve lost your child early on in the pregnancy or at a later stage, the impact is bigger than you could have ever imagined. This applies to you both. Your future has changed dramatically and the loss has put an end to all your plans and fantasies about this child’s future. You may ask yourself what went wrong. It can be comforting to know that the pregnancy was likely not right from the start. That the miscarriage was therefore a natural and logical consequence. But you can’t help wonder that there may have been something you did wrong or could have prevented from the miscarriage happening. However strong those feelings are, it is not your fault. Anyone who experiences a miscarriage deals with it in their own way. Give yourself the time you need, there is no limit to how long you need to deal with your grief.

  • Take your feelings seriously. Everything is allowed: sadness, loss, guilt, disbelief, anger, a sense of emptiness. You may also feel peace of mind or even relief. That is okay, it is all fine.
  • Talk about it. Maybe with a girlfriend, your partner, with your sister or a neighbour. Or with parents who have been through the same thing. Of course you are always welcome to talk to us!
  • Be aware that your partner is probably experiencing the loss differently than you. It is important that you two can talk about it, to each other or others.
  • Do what feels right for you. At a time which suits you. Add a nice figurine in your display cabinet, plant a tree in your garden. Select a piece of jewellery as a reminder. Write a letter to your unborn child. Light a candle in remembrance. Or do something completely different, but choose something personal to you.
  • Read about it. There are private groups on Facebook where you can share your experience.
  • Tell your living child (ren) about it. E.g. there are beautiful picture books suitable for young children. At the practice we have such a book that you can borrow.
  • Are you noticing your energy is not returning or that you keep worrying? Then seek help to cope with your miscarriage. This is not a subject to be treated lightly, find help that suits you.

Coaching by your own midwife after a miscarriage

Meld je aan
voor extra begeleiding

Sometimes you need specialist support in addition to our midwifery care when you have experienced a miscarriage. Westerkade can provide that support. Our midwife Judith van Reedt-Dortland is also qualified to coach you through your miscarriage, integrate the loss into your daily life and help you look to the future with confidence.

Do you feel like you are not moving forward? Do you feel guilty towards your other children that you cannot give them your full attention because you are processing your loss? Do you feel like you are not enjoying their company when previously you did? Your experience leaves you with a ‘numb’ feeling; you cannot open your heart. Do you recognize yourself in this?

Know it doesn’t have to be like this. Acknowledge your loss and tell your living children about their sibling that was part of you so briefly. Your grief and feelings of loss should not be ignored. Share your emotions with your loved ones. Do you believe you need more help? With a few steps I can help you process your experience into your daily life. The goal is to rejuvenate your enjoyment of your relationship/family and open your heart to love again.

If you would like to know more about how I can help you? Send me an email with your contact details and I will get back to you.

How others have experienced my support

Miriam's experience

The miscarriage was unexpected and hard for me, both the physical part and the emotional impact. I was more irritable and handled the loss differently than my partner. It put an unknown strain on our relationship and made me feel alone in my grief at times. I had no references for dealing with this kind of loss. How can you mourn something that was only in your life so briefly? And how can you feel you are in this together while your partner is dealing with the loss so differently?

I was not sure what to expect from the coaching. I went through several stages of the loss and they gave me new levels of insight, something I had not expected to happen. I found that very valuable. After the coaching with Judith I saw a way forward and did not get stuck in the same thought pattern as much. I was also able to talk to my partner better about the loss I experienced and the impact it had on me. Reflecting on it together has already done me a lot of good.

‘Of course daily life will remind you of what happened but it doesn’t stop me in my tracks anymore’.

Recently I coached a mother who was unsure how to tell her toddler about the miscarriage. After my coaching this mother said the following:

‘I was looking for a way to give my daughter the time and attention she deserved while my thoughts were still busy with the miscarriage. I read the book "Frog and the Bird" with my daughter, a story about death. My daughter is not yet 2 years old and of course does not really see the bigger picture yet. I explained to her that I also lost the baby in my belly and that I was very sad, but that my daughter does not have to take care of me. Being brave enough to talk about this really helped’.

‘I enjoy a trip to the playground again and I am no longer consumed by grief’.